If I Stand...

Life feels empty and shallow without my little man, Nehemiah.  Oh what I would give to still be taking care of him!  But, he has gone home to rock with Jesus, so I can’t.  I miss him so terribly.  I miss rocking him, kissing his forehead, changing his diapers, praying over him, singing to him, telling him bible stories, and telling him stories of dreams of life outside the hospital.  He used to look up at me like, “Really Mommy?  I want to do that and anything else with you, Mommy.  Anything with you must be great, Mommy.  Keep telling me stories, Mommy.” 

I used to tell him about the sun and what it feels like and how it is fun to go to the beach and feel the sun kiss your skin.  I told him that it feels like God is reaching down and touching you and giving you a kiss.  He now knows what it feels like to be held and touched by God… much more than I do. 

My love and I went to the beach yesterday for a day-cation.  His daddy needed to get away from work, and we needed to connect and comfort each other.  As we were there, I thought of Nehemiah and the stories that I used to tell him in the hospital.  I thought of Nehemiah up there with Jesus, and I thought maybe he and Jesus were loving me and wanting to touch me as I felt the sun touch my skin. 

Jesus,

Would you please tell Nehemiah again how much his Mommy loves him and that I long to see him again one day.  Thank you so much for the time you gave me with him.  I know that you and heaven are better for him that me and earth.  His body was so week, and he had so much pain in his short life here with me.  You can comfort him more than I could, but I need you to comfort me now that he is with you because he has left a huge hole in my heart.

Josh bought me a necklace last night.  It is a special reminder of a good day that we had together missing Nehemiah and loving each other.  It has a tree and a pearl on it, and it reminds me to stand strong and live strong rooted in Jesus Christ. 

Rich Mullins wrote and sang:

“So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home”

This is my prayer today.

Jesus, if I stand let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through as I long for baby Nehemiah.  And, if I can’t, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You.  Not if, but as I weep for Nehemiah, let it be as a mommy who is longing for her home with You.