“For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”” Zephaniah 3:17 NLT
Could Jesus be rocking Nehemiah and singing over me like I used to sing over Nehemiah? That is a comforting thought even though I would really like to be the one holding Nehemiah. Oh how I ache for him! But, he and Jesus could be singing together. That's a nice thought.
I discovered a new song
today.The title is Glory Baby, and it
is by Watermark.You can find a play
button on the bottom of my blog to hear it for yourself.I played it over and over today.It speaks just what my heart is feeling.How I long for my baby, Nehemiah!And, how I long for my home in Heaven!I feel so out of place here!
I never understood how
people longed for heaven… before.I
would wonder how we were supposed to long for a place we did not know.I did not long to die, and that is what longing
for heaven made me think of.Heaven felt
so far away, and I wanted to participate in life here with the things I
knew.I mean, singing praise songs is
great, but I was not ready to do that full time, so I did not long for
Heaven.
But, I have changed.I still don’t long to die.I am not suicidal (don’t worry, My Love), but
I long for Heaven because precious Nehemiah is there.My arms ache to hold him!I know Jesus is holding him, and I know Jesus
is perfect and all that, but it doesn’t feel right for his mommy not to be
holding him.I am his mommy, and everything
in me feels like I should be holding him…
Thank you, Jesus, for letting me hold him... Thank you for the sweet times we had. Thank you for sharing him with us... even for such a short period of time... That time introducing him to praising you in the NICU and RNI was the sweetest, most precious time of my life. Anyway, by the second time
I heard this song, I swear, I did not hear the word baby.My brain and heart change the words instantly
now, and I hear Nehemiah’s name.So,
what I hear is more like this…
Glory Nehemiah you slipped
away as fast as we could say Nehemiah… Nehemiah…
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us Nehemiah…Nehemiah...
Heaven will hold you before we do.
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday,
Miss you in every way,
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you.
We will hold you.
You’ll kiss our tears away,
When we’re home to stay.
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you.
We will see you.
But Nehemiah, let sweet Jesus hold you (just like we talked about)
‘till mom[my] and dad[dy] can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do.
You’ll just have heaven before we do.
Sweet little Nehemiah, it’s
hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting.
We are hurting,
But there is healing.
And, we know we’re stronger people through the growing.
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good.
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies,
and what they must sound like.
But, I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home…
Life feels empty and shallow without my little man,
Nehemiah.Oh what I would give to still
be taking care of him!But, he has gone
home to rock with Jesus, so I can’t.I
miss him so terribly.I miss rocking
him, kissing his forehead, changing his diapers, praying over him, singing to
him, telling him bible stories, and telling him stories of dreams of life
outside the hospital.He used to look up
at me like, “Really Mommy?I want to do
that and anything else with you, Mommy.Anything with you must be great, Mommy.Keep telling me stories, Mommy.”
I used to tell him about the sun and what it feels like and
how it is fun to go to the beach and feel the sun kiss your skin.I told him that it feels like God is reaching
down and touching you and giving you a kiss.He now knows what it feels like to be held and touched by God… much more
than I do.
My love and I went to the beach yesterday for a
day-cation.His daddy needed to get away
from work, and we needed to connect and comfort each other.As we were there, I thought of Nehemiah and
the stories that I used to tell him in the hospital.I thought of Nehemiah up there with Jesus,
and I thought maybe he and Jesus were loving me and wanting to touch me as I
felt the sun touch my skin.
Jesus,
Would you please tell Nehemiah again how much his Mommy
loves him and that I long to see him again one day.Thank you so much for the time you gave me
with him.I know that you and heaven are
better for him that me and earth.His
body was so week, and he had so much pain in his short life here with me.You can comfort him more than I could, but I
need you to comfort me now that he is with you because he has left a huge hole
in my heart.
Josh bought me a necklace last night.It is a special reminder of a good day that
we had together missing Nehemiah and loving each other.It has a tree and a pearl on it, and it
reminds me to stand strong and live strong rooted in Jesus Christ.
Rich Mullins wrote and sang:
“So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home”
This is my
prayer today.
Jesus, if I
stand let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through as I long for
baby Nehemiah.And, if I can’t, let me
fall on the grace that first brought me to You.Not if, but as I weep for Nehemiah, let it be as a mommy who is longing
for her home with You.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
4/13/12
On April 13, 2012, Nehemiah, my precious, perfect, gift from God, died in my arms when I was trying to feed him. It was the worst day of my life.
I am trying to forget those moments and remember all the good times we had together... all the times that I told him about Jesus and introduced them so that Nehemiah would know Him when he went "Home." When Nehemiah met Jesus for the first time, I wanted him to say, "Oh, I know you. My mommy loved you and told me all about you."
I took several videos while Nehemiah was living. I knew his life would not be long on this earth. Doctor after doctor warned me of that, and I did not want to regret not taking videos. A friend put the videos together for me to show at the funeral so that I could share my little man with all of his friends and family who never got to meet him in person.
Josh and I had to go to a specialist yesterday for a special ultrasound. The results were not what we wanted to hear, but I want to share and ask you to pray for our precious little one and us as we make decisions in the next few weeks and months. Josh and I are trusting God with the final results.
The specialist found what he calls four markers that he wants to watch. They are in the baby's brai...n, kidney, heart, and umbilical cord. At this point, it could be serious or it could not. We just don't know. They want to do more testing to try to further determine what we are facing, but Josh and I wanted to digest the information they gave us before making more decisions. The doctor said that was fine. This specialist group we saw was very good about being concerned with how we were taking it and what we as the parents needed.
We are trusting God with the outcome and we would still love for you to pray with us.
Nehemiah Jonathan Rhodes
“Comforting Gift from God”
What is in a name?
Sometimes the hand of God…
“The king granted my requests, for I was graciously strengthened by my God. … I told them how the gracious hand of my God had been on me… And they were encouraged to do this good work.” (Nehemiah 2:8,18 HCSB)
And God graciously strengthened and encouraged with each day of our little Nehemiah’s life.
God said, “Haven’t I commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9 HCSB)
And, He has been with us... and will be with us…
“For… not even death…will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!” (Romans 8:38-39 HCSB)
We will always love you, Nehemiah. You were our perfect, comforting, gift from God.
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