Happy Birthday, Nehemiah

Three months ago today God blessed us with a beautiful son we named Nehemiah.  Hard to believe it has only been three months.  Our lives were so forever changed by God through him.  Thank you, Jesus, for Nehemiah.  Give him a kiss from Mommy and Daddy.

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Keep asking ...

I have been having a bad week.  I was ready to give up and crawl in a hole.  I did not feel God.  I miss my sweet baby.  And, I just did not feel connected to My Love.  But, a friend reached out to me and shared this scripture.  I read it and asked again for a touch from God and for His help in connecting with My Love.  He answered with a great night with My Love and the strength that connecting with him brings, and I feel I might can face another day.  I am still begging Him [Jesus] to stay close to me and to ease the pain, but He gave me hope just when I was ready to give up and crawl in a hole.

Thank you God for the answered prayer, thank you for strength from my husband, thank you for my husband, and thank you for using my friend to reach out to me with your word.

Scripture :

Luke 11:9-10 New Living Translation (NLT)

“And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."

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HE will Rejoice over Me with Joyful Songs...

“For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”” Zephaniah 3:17 NLT

Could Jesus be rocking Nehemiah and singing over me like I used to sing over Nehemiah?  That is a comforting thought even though I would really like to be the one holding Nehemiah.  Oh how I ache for him!  But, he and Jesus could be singing together.  That's a nice thought.

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Glory Baby.... Nehemiah

I discovered a new song today.  The title is Glory Baby, and it is by Watermark.  You can find a play button on the bottom of my blog to hear it for yourself.  I played it over and over today.  It speaks just what my heart is feeling.  How I long for my baby, Nehemiah!  And, how I long for my home in Heaven!  I feel so out of place here!

I never understood how people longed for heaven… before.  I would wonder how we were supposed to long for a place we did not know.  I did not long to die, and that is what longing for heaven made me think of.  Heaven felt so far away, and I wanted to participate in life here with the things I knew.  I mean, singing praise songs is great, but I was not ready to do that full time, so I did not long for Heaven. 

But, I have changed.  I still don’t long to die.  I am not suicidal (don’t worry, My Love), but I long for Heaven because precious Nehemiah is there.  My arms ache to hold him!  I know Jesus is holding him, and I know Jesus is perfect and all that, but it doesn’t feel right for his mommy not to be holding him.  I am his mommy, and everything in me feels like I should be holding him… 

Thank you, Jesus, for letting me hold him... Thank you for the sweet times we had.  Thank you for sharing him with us... even for such a short period of time... That time introducing him to praising you in the NICU and RNI was the sweetest, most precious time of my life.
 
Anyway, by the second time I heard this song, I swear, I did not hear the word baby.  My brain and heart change the words instantly now, and I hear Nehemiah’s name.  So, what I hear is more like this…

Glory Nehemiah you slipped away as fast as we could say Nehemiah… Nehemiah…
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us Nehemiah…Nehemiah...
Heaven will hold you before we do.
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday,
Miss you in every way,
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you.
We will hold you.
You’ll kiss our tears away,
When we’re home to stay.
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you.
We will see you.
But Nehemiah, let sweet Jesus hold you (just like we talked about)
‘till mom[my] and dad[dy] can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do.
You’ll just have heaven before we do.

Sweet little Nehemiah, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting.
We are hurting,
But there is healing.
And, we know we’re stronger people through the growing.
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good.
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies,
and what they must sound like.
But, I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home…

Hope & Thanksgiving

I put my hope in you LORD. 

 

Psalm 31:24

“Be strong and courageous all you who put your hope in the LORD.”

Psalm 33:22

“May your faithful love rest on us LORD, for we put our hope in you.”

Psalm 38:15

“I put my hope in you LORD; You will answer, Lord my God.”

Psalm 39:7

“Now, LORD, what do I wait for? My hope is in You.”

Thank you for Nehemiah, and thank you for the time we had with him.  

Thank you for My Love.  

Thank you for the day we had together loving each other yesterday.  

Thank you for being with us and loving us. 

Thank you for HOPE.

If I Stand...

Life feels empty and shallow without my little man, Nehemiah.  Oh what I would give to still be taking care of him!  But, he has gone home to rock with Jesus, so I can’t.  I miss him so terribly.  I miss rocking him, kissing his forehead, changing his diapers, praying over him, singing to him, telling him bible stories, and telling him stories of dreams of life outside the hospital.  He used to look up at me like, “Really Mommy?  I want to do that and anything else with you, Mommy.  Anything with you must be great, Mommy.  Keep telling me stories, Mommy.” 

I used to tell him about the sun and what it feels like and how it is fun to go to the beach and feel the sun kiss your skin.  I told him that it feels like God is reaching down and touching you and giving you a kiss.  He now knows what it feels like to be held and touched by God… much more than I do. 

My love and I went to the beach yesterday for a day-cation.  His daddy needed to get away from work, and we needed to connect and comfort each other.  As we were there, I thought of Nehemiah and the stories that I used to tell him in the hospital.  I thought of Nehemiah up there with Jesus, and I thought maybe he and Jesus were loving me and wanting to touch me as I felt the sun touch my skin. 

Jesus,

Would you please tell Nehemiah again how much his Mommy loves him and that I long to see him again one day.  Thank you so much for the time you gave me with him.  I know that you and heaven are better for him that me and earth.  His body was so week, and he had so much pain in his short life here with me.  You can comfort him more than I could, but I need you to comfort me now that he is with you because he has left a huge hole in my heart.

Josh bought me a necklace last night.  It is a special reminder of a good day that we had together missing Nehemiah and loving each other.  It has a tree and a pearl on it, and it reminds me to stand strong and live strong rooted in Jesus Christ. 

Rich Mullins wrote and sang:

“So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home”

This is my prayer today.

Jesus, if I stand let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through as I long for baby Nehemiah.  And, if I can’t, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You.  Not if, but as I weep for Nehemiah, let it be as a mommy who is longing for her home with You.

4/13/12

On April 13, 2012, Nehemiah, my precious, perfect, gift from God, died in my arms when I was trying to feed him.  It was the worst day of my life.

I am trying to forget those moments and remember all the good times we had together... all the times that I told him about Jesus and introduced them so that Nehemiah would know Him when he went "Home."  When Nehemiah met Jesus for the first time, I wanted him to say, "Oh, I know you.  My mommy loved you and told me all about you."

I took several videos while Nehemiah was living.  I knew his life would not be long on this earth.  Doctor after doctor warned me of that, and I did not want to regret not taking videos.  A friend put the videos together for me to show at the funeral so that I could share my little man with all of his friends and family who never got to meet him in person.

And, here he is...